This story has been shared publicly with the consent of my former husband, as heard on The Betrayed, The Addicted & The Expert podcast.

For the first 14 years of my marriage I believed the lies I was told and discounted my own knowing and intuition that something was off. I believed I was not enough and never would be emotionally or physically. I believed that my marriage had hard moments because I was a critical of painful behavior, quick to anger, a prude and unforgiving.

If only I could get over it … then we’d be happier.

I suspected his behaviors our first month of marriage and pulled back, pushing him away and isolating myself in suspicion. I lost trust in his actions and words because I KNEW something wasn't right. When I found that he was hiding a compulsive pornography habit, I couldn’t understand why the man I married chose to seek other women over the one right in front of his face. I didn’t understand, and nor did he that it was a coping mechanism that could not be cured by getting married, saying he'd stop, religious activity or prayer.

He worked many years traveling to Europe and Australia for weeks at a time. I was working full time as a kitchen designer and we had no kids. After six years of this I got pregnant but soon I miscarried and was devastated. Just months later he asked for a divorce. I was in shock, how did we come to divorce without me knowing things were so bad? He then told me that he had been caught having an emotional affair. At the time I didn’t understand what that was and I don’t believe I fully did until years later, but we decided to seek help before making a big decision.

An emotional affair is an intimate connection outside a committed relationship, involving deep emotional sharing, secrecy, and inappropriate closeness that breaches trust and undermines the primary partnership's emotional bond.

We went to our church leader, who suggested we see a therapist together. I was mad that his problem was now my problem, I was ashamed that I had to go to therapy, because I believed that therapy was for broken people and I didn't want to be broken. He started the church's 12 step program but admitted he didn't do the work except go to the group and prayed he would stop, which is "white knuckling." Life was good enough for a few years and we stopped therapy shortly after starting.

11 years into our marriage and life was in a routine, we rarely talked about his "problem" because it always led to an argument. We decided to start marriage therapy and I believe it helped, we were functioning, we had more happy moments and we were trying. However we were not dealing with the real issue.

Later that same year an old friend from high school asked me to LIKE her new Facebook page, The Togetherness Project. When I did so I was terrified she knew something that I hadn't shared with anyone. What did she know about me and my marriage?! I didn’t leave much time to wonder, I messaged her asking what this new page was about and she shared her own story with me, and for the 1st time in 14 years of marriage I opened up and shared my own story with someone. It was scary to say the least but from that moment on I knew I wasn’t alone.

I had felt a huge need to protect the man I loved because I knew the judgement that would come. I knew others would judge him and me. I never told anyone of our struggles and felt incredibly alone. I wore a mask that we were happy. I myself judged him and his behaviors so how would my own family, friends, neighbors and strangers not judge him?! I was ashamed that I wasn’t good enough for the man who married me.

My friend convinced me to attend her conference where I learned that I played a role in finding recovery from this addiction that fueled my husband. I learned that I had “betrayal trauma” which mimics symptoms like PTSD. I realized I could no longer just pray for him and just show up to therapy. I needed to start using my voice, I needed help outside of myself.

I remember the sleepless nights, nightmares, anxiety, depression, low self worth, anger and resentment. I knew I needed to do something but I also knew I couldn’t force the man I loved to change. We started back with marriage counseling but it seemed we were dancing around the real issue. He saw an ad on TV and called a local company who specialized in addiction recovery.

We started at Addo Recovery in August 2014 and that is when our lives found new hope.
He started specialized individual therapy, while I went to a Betrayal Trauma group for women, followed by a shame resilience group and a 12 step program. He also attended a men's group, and chose to also incorporate SA. Our lives quickly became devoted to recovery and sobriety.

I remember going to therapy thinking “my husband’s pornography problem isn’t that bad, at least he hasn’t …” I remember going to 12 Step and thinking “I shouldn’t be here because these women are clearly more hurt than I am and I don’t fit in.” I even remember him coming home telling me his behaviors were not as bad as he had thought. We truly were clueless in comparing our pain to others.

You hear the saying “people don’t change,” but I began to see my husband change and I began to change with him. We worked on ourselves as we pushed through the hard stuff, doing all we could to both get through this once and for all. Just as I felt I was doing awesome the wind got knocked out of me and I fell hard. He came home after only 6 weeks of therapy to tell me that he had a second affair a year before.

I surprised myself as I took deep breaths and just processed what I was just told.
My mind quickly raced to the time period he mentioned of the affair.

What were we doing then?
Did we go on trips?

Did HE go on trips?
Were we happy?

Did he post loving things about me?

Then I realized I HAD had many promptings that something was wrong. I remembered asking several times if he was having an affair. Of course he said no, what person would say YES!? I remember telling him I felt like he was changing into someone I didn’t know. He would get angry and tell me he was the same and so were his behaviors. But they weren't and those feelings were right but I wasn't skilled enough or had the right frame of mind to not accuse.

I left his side after he told me and went to my bathroom and sobbed. I cried and cried, asking God why he thought it was OK for me to experience more relationship trauma when I had just found hope to get out of it. I was angry, hurt and lost.

That day he moved to our basement and I cried in my room. Days later we were on a plane to San Diego with our kids to attend our friends wedding and go to Disneyland. I learned for the first time, how to compartmentalize in a healthy way, to put life on hold and come back to the problem later. Life had to go on but the unknown was heavy on both our hearts. Hard? Yes! The hardest trip ever and it included our daughters as we then headed to Disneyland. Honestly, we didn’t talk to each other much that trip, but we co-parented and our kids have happy memories.

At this point the only thing that kept me going was mothering my girls and being there for my fitness clients. I struggled to go to church with my broken marriage, hearign how important it was to be "good."No one really knew the heartache I was going through as I continued to share only with my therapist, group and my best friend.

With the help of our therapist, Amy, we were both able to move forward and truly progress. To learn what true forgiveness, empathy and love were. He became a different person than the boy I had married so many years ago. He made huge efforts on his own to make things right and to be a better husband, man and father.

Years into our healing I offered to give a testimonial to Addo and instead they made a video about our stories. We shared because years ago we both felt so alone, felt helpless and that we had failed.
Neither of us regret the years we shared together, the years of growth & together we created the best things in our lives. Our sharing has been a catylist for many people around the world who also felt alone and stuck.

After 7 years of repairing our marriage, he chose to leave the marriage in 2021 and together we uncoupled using the same tools we had learned through our journey. Our marriage ended after years of recovery work together side by side, sharing publicly on our podcast, but I continue to live a life of recovery individually & continue to mentor those who’s stories have similarities to my own. Married, separated, divorced or remarried.

Healing either way … with your partner or without. That was my motto.

I know now that I am beyond enough and that with hard work there is hope and people CAN change.
Today I live with hope, understanding, empathy, mindfulness and love. And I am in a longterm relationship with a man who is the opposite of who I partnered with before, because I am not that same woman. I live with triggers, not like I did a decade ago, but my tolerance and ability to work through them and use my voice has changed so much of the fear of my future to gratitude and love.

Today I mentor women around the world in small group settings over zoom. There is something magical about finding deep friendships through our pain and seeing each other turn it into our power, rising from the ashes to create a new life for ourselves and families. If you are interested, please see the MENTORING page.